Learning to Say No Again

When it comes to people who are interested in spirituality, the law of attraction and other self-help topics, I have noticed a strange pattern. It seems that these people appear to outsiders as being more soft and this therefore results in them being exploited more. I don’t know about you, but I often find myself agreeing to do things for other people that I really don’t want to do. You might think that there’s a very simple solution to being in this predicament, and there is. Just say no. We all know this word, but sometimes mustering up the courage or the backbone to say it can be tough.

Photo by Christiane Michaud

How many times have you given in to a request to babysit someone’s kids when you were already busy. I’ve done that. How many times have you agreed to proof read someone’s resume (essay, dissertation, etc). Ditto. How many times have you let yourself invite someone who was pressuring you over for dinner? Ditto, ditto. How about pushy sales people who make you feel like you are getting a bargain and then add some hidden costs, while you feel obligated to finalize your purchase despite this fact. Ditto, ditto, ditto. What about tele-marketers calling during dinner? I think you get the picture.

Well this is where all of these push-over tendencies stop. Let us explore a bit more of this “yes-sir” type of mentality before I explain how I plan to stop saying yes to every request thrown at me.

Women Are The Selfless Caregivers

Starting at a young age we as women are taught that being nice is the right thing to do. I still believe that being nice is a good thing to aspire to and treating others with kindness is still important. What I don’t agree with is the notion that our first priority should be to please others. I know that there are a lot of culturally ingrained ideas when it comes to how women should act with others. In some cultures women are meant to serve their parents until they marry, and then to serve their husbands, and later to serve their children. With all of this selflessness, no wonder women are so used to agreeing to everyone’s requests. The requests that women agree to every day may seem trivial, but after years of saying yes and denying yourself some of your more basic freedoms, you really aren’t living for yourself anymore.

I have watched my mother go through years of denying herself the pleasures and goals that she wanted to reach. She would always put others before her, her parents, her husband, her friends and even me. Today she speaks of those days bitterly and I understand why. She was never living for herself, instead she was merely a nurturer in someone else’s life. I believe that there needs to be a way for women to draw a line and learn to say no for themselves. Contrary to what everyone believes, I think that an empowered and loving person is one who is able to say no when they need to. As such good spiritual leaders and wealthy people tend to be ones who are able to stand up for themselves and say no.

Saying No Empowers Others To Solve Their Own Problems

Sometimes denying someone your services or advice can help others solve their own problems. For example, instead of agreeing to make your teenaged children lunch every day of the week, why not teach them some independence and let them learn for themselves. Instead of agreeing to review someone’s homework or thesis, let them re-read it once more. Often times people don’t work as hard knowing that someone else is going to look over their work and fix things. Saying no gets them to produce high quality work from the get-go and is one way to empower them. The same goes for advice, if someone asks you to comment on their relationship troubles, you could just say you would rather not and ask them to walk you through a possible solution of their own. This lets them work through their problems on their own, while venting a bit, without getting you involved or responsible.

If You Don’t Stand Up For Yourself, Who Will?

We all hear about “the inner child” from various sources. You know, that little voice inside of you who wants to have fun all the time and who comes up with lots of crazy and sometimes successful ideas. But what about the inner parent? We rarely hear about the inner parent, but it is there. Usually it takes on the voice of a parent by telling you that you can’t do something, that you’re not good enough or that you should be careful. We tend to ignore this voice when we are passionate about our desires, and listen to it too much when we are fearful of failure. But what is the main purpose of the inner parent? It is to protect and help the inner child grow.

The inner parent is the one who should lay down the law and say no for you. When you get a request for something that you really don’t want to do, trust your inner parent to take care of you. Let your inner parent say no, and remember that your inner child is being protected by your inner parent at all times. The inner child can then come out and play without fear of being squashed by other people and their demands. This creates a more balanced and healthful way to live. So speak to your inner parent, love it, take care of it for it needs to be strong in order to protect your inner child and nurture it.

The Terrible Twos

The way to start utilizing your inner parent to its full potential is to revert back to your terrible two’s… at least for awhile, until your “no” muscles get strong enough. Here’s how you do it.

Set aside 2 days where you will unapologetically say no to every request you receive, without exception.
When someone asks you for a favor, for food/money/time, for your attention or for your advice, simply say no.
It will feel weird at first, but that’s why you need to practice so much to get good at it again.
To soften the blow, when you are turning people down you can add something along the lines of: “I wish I could, but I’m really not able to right now.” Don’t give an excuse, because people will try to talk you out of your excuse and appease you in order to get you to comply to their demands.
Don’t make any exceptions. You can return to your usual yes-sir attitude after these two days, so stay strong and be firm.
Others will recognize how much they ask you for things and they will be more conscious about asking for things in the future.

Good luck and may your inner parent and child work together to make you a strong willed woman!