“It Takes Teamwork to Make The Dream Work.” -Christopher Howard

I don’t usually like sports analogies, mostly because they tend to be overused, but today this analogy will help you see your friends differently. Think of a basketball game, a hockey game, or a soccer game. How often do you see one person alone score the winning goal? It usually takes a whole team to make a goal. Whether or not you witness the domino effect that each member plays in the game, they were there for each other and they contributed to that goal. This same phenomenon applies to your life too.

Photo by JD Lasica

Unsupportive Friends and Family

Everyone has support groups, whether they know it or not. Your support group is that core set of people in your life who influence you and help you out. Your support group can be made up of family members, friends, acquaintances and coworkers. Sometimes your support group is not as supportive as you might like.

I have often noticed this happening when it comes to dieting and weight loss. Oftentimes when a woman decides to go on a diet, her friends or family members will be less than supportive. They might joke and tell her that she’ll be back to eating chips and chocolate cake in no time. Or that she will never last more than 15 minutes at the gym.

Sometimes the lack of support can be shown in less obvious ways. A friend might ask the dieter if she wants to go pig out on pizza with her. She might buy her a large tub of ice cream. Or she might decide to drop by her home when she knows that it is a designated exercise hour. Similarly, husbands and children might decide to bake desserts or popcorn. Or might take her to her favorite fast food joint, even knowing that she is not eating that type of food anymore.

All of these things can undermine a woman’s dieting and weight loss efforts. Moreover, this type of reaction by so-called friends and family members can happen at any point when you decide to make changes in your life or to seek success.

Why Don’t They Support Me?

The first step to getting a supportive group of people in your inner circle is to understand why they aren’t supporting you. Ask yourself what they have to gain by your lack of success? Sometimes the answers can be startling. In the example of weight loss, some friends might not want you to become thin or to diet because that threatens their own self image. It could also mean that you would be less likely to go eat unhealthy foods with them like you did in the past. Your family members might think that you are trying to force your new lifestyle and habits onto them.

Other examples of reasons why these people might not want you to succeed in life, love and finance are:

• If you get too successful you won’t want to spend time with them anymore. (Or you won’t think they are cool, worthy, etc.)
• If you don’t have the same problems as you currently do, then you won’t be able to complain with them about the same issues. (A lot of negative relationships are formed through complaining and whining. Steer clear.)
• Your changes might show them how much work they need to do on themselves.

The Mastermind Group

The solution to unsupportive people is to create a Mastermind Group. Oftentimes we surround ourselves with people we have known our whole lives or who happened to cross our path by shared circumstances. But what would happen if you decided to actively seek out a group of people who are great for you? A group of people who would encourage you, support you, and cheer you on. These people exist and it is a just a matter of finding them.

Photo by Trish Brunner

You might be able to include some of your current friends and family members into your new mastermind group. However be sure to pick only those that truly do believe in you and your potential to succeed. So where do you find these new mastermind folks?

• Join groups that reflect your interests on Ning and then make friends.
• Visit Meetup to see if there is already a group started for your area and try to join the next meetup to find others of like mind. If not, you could create one.
• Look for local organizations that promote events and once there, mingle and see if anyone fits your ideal mastermind member.
• Go to Toastmasters and give a speech about your interests or business. If anyone expresses interest in keeping in touch, that’s great.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and mingle. Once you have found a few people who are supportive of you, be sure to return the favor. The more we help each other, the better we make the world.

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When it comes to people who are interested in spirituality, the law of attraction and other self-help topics, I have noticed a strange pattern. It seems that these people appear to outsiders as being more soft and this therefore results in them being exploited more. I don’t know about you, but I often find myself agreeing to do things for other people that I really don’t want to do. You might think that there’s a very simple solution to being in this predicament, and there is. Just say no. We all know this word, but sometimes mustering up the courage or the backbone to say it can be tough.

Photo by Christiane Michaud

How many times have you given in to a request to babysit someone’s kids when you were already busy. I’ve done that. How many times have you agreed to proof read someone’s resume (essay, dissertation, etc). Ditto. How many times have you let yourself invite someone who was pressuring you over for dinner? Ditto, ditto. How about pushy sales people who make you feel like you are getting a bargain and then add some hidden costs, while you feel obligated to finalize your purchase despite this fact. Ditto, ditto, ditto. What about tele-marketers calling during dinner? I think you get the picture.

Well this is where all of these push-over tendencies stop. Let us explore a bit more of this “yes-sir” type of mentality before I explain how I plan to stop saying yes to every request thrown at me.

Women Are The Selfless Caregivers

Starting at a young age we as women are taught that being nice is the right thing to do. I still believe that being nice is a good thing to aspire to and treating others with kindness is still important. What I don’t agree with is the notion that our first priority should be to please others. I know that there are a lot of culturally ingrained ideas when it comes to how women should act with others. In some cultures women are meant to serve their parents until they marry, and then to serve their husbands, and later to serve their children. With all of this selflessness, no wonder women are so used to agreeing to everyone’s requests. The requests that women agree to every day may seem trivial, but after years of saying yes and denying yourself some of your more basic freedoms, you really aren’t living for yourself anymore.

I have watched my mother go through years of denying herself the pleasures and goals that she wanted to reach. She would always put others before her, her parents, her husband, her friends and even me. Today she speaks of those days bitterly and I understand why. She was never living for herself, instead she was merely a nurturer in someone else’s life. I believe that there needs to be a way for women to draw a line and learn to say no for themselves. Contrary to what everyone believes, I think that an empowered and loving person is one who is able to say no when they need to. As such good spiritual leaders and wealthy people tend to be ones who are able to stand up for themselves and say no.

Saying No Empowers Others To Solve Their Own Problems

Sometimes denying someone your services or advice can help others solve their own problems. For example, instead of agreeing to make your teenaged children lunch every day of the week, why not teach them some independence and let them learn for themselves. Instead of agreeing to review someone’s homework or thesis, let them re-read it once more. Often times people don’t work as hard knowing that someone else is going to look over their work and fix things. Saying no gets them to produce high quality work from the get-go and is one way to empower them. The same goes for advice, if someone asks you to comment on their relationship troubles, you could just say you would rather not and ask them to walk you through a possible solution of their own. This lets them work through their problems on their own, while venting a bit, without getting you involved or responsible.

If You Don’t Stand Up For Yourself, Who Will?

We all hear about “the inner child” from various sources. You know, that little voice inside of you who wants to have fun all the time and who comes up with lots of crazy and sometimes successful ideas. But what about the inner parent? We rarely hear about the inner parent, but it is there. Usually it takes on the voice of a parent by telling you that you can’t do something, that you’re not good enough or that you should be careful. We tend to ignore this voice when we are passionate about our desires, and listen to it too much when we are fearful of failure. But what is the main purpose of the inner parent? It is to protect and help the inner child grow.

The inner parent is the one who should lay down the law and say no for you. When you get a request for something that you really don’t want to do, trust your inner parent to take care of you. Let your inner parent say no, and remember that your inner child is being protected by your inner parent at all times. The inner child can then come out and play without fear of being squashed by other people and their demands. This creates a more balanced and healthful way to live. So speak to your inner parent, love it, take care of it for it needs to be strong in order to protect your inner child and nurture it.

The Terrible Twos

The way to start utilizing your inner parent to its full potential is to revert back to your terrible two’s… at least for awhile, until your “no” muscles get strong enough. Here’s how you do it.

• Set aside 2 days where you will unapologetically say no to every request you receive, without exception.
• When someone asks you for a favor, for food/money/time, for your attention or for your advice, simply say no.
• It will feel weird at first, but that’s why you need to practice so much to get good at it again.
• To soften the blow, when you are turning people down you can add something along the lines of: “I wish I could, but I’m really not able to right now.” Don’t give an excuse, because people will try to talk you out of your excuse and appease you in order to get you to comply to their demands.
• Don’t make any exceptions. You can return to your usual yes-sir attitude after these two days, so stay strong and be firm.
• Others will recognize how much they ask you for things and they will be more conscious about asking for things in the future.

Good luck and may your inner parent and child work together to make you a strong willed woman!

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Looking back on my life I realize that I have had many great mentors and idols. They have all helped me to grow as a person and to become the woman that I am today. I wanted to share some of my experiences with mentors and to encourage you to make a similar list and look for the current day mentors that inspire you today. I am still finding new mentors every day and I look forward to each new encounter knowing that I might meet a mentor within them. I remember how much I looked up to the women in my life and how much I tried to be like them. I would preen like Marilyn Monroe, kick like my Tae Kwon Do instructor, program my computer like Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I looked up to my babysitters and would often ask them to tell me stories about their lives, how many friends they had or what having a boyfriend was like and what made them tick.

Today I realized that I am now in the mentoring role. I have been an inspiration to young girls who practiced Tae Kwon Do after me and saw that attaining a black belt at such a young age is possible. I have blazed a trail for other girls from my high school to attend University classes in an Engineering or Mathematics related field. Recently I also realized that I am a role model for one our family friends’ daughter who is growing up and going through high school. It feels strange to be the one to impart my knowledge and experience, but at the same time it feels rewarding knowing that I can help others just by being myself and aspiring to grow as an individual and set new standards of excellence for myself.

The reason I started Billionaire Woman was so that we could each have powerful and successful women to look up to. Although I am still working on the Billionaire Case studies, I have found that in order for us to learn from someone, the person does not need to have amassed a large fortune. In fact it is often by looking at those less fortunate than us that we can truly see what is worth living for and how to keep a positive outlook on life.

I hope this list will inspire you to look back on all of the great mentors you have had and see if you could spread your wisdom or experiences to others who might need it.

My Mother
I think every young girl looks up to her mother and learns from her in one way or another. It is probably because of my constant imitation of my mother that today many of my reactions in life are similar to those of my mother. She taught me to be responsible, to be caring of others and to follow my heart. She always wanted me to experience things that she was unable to experience when she was a young girl. Because of her upbringing, I am now a flourishing successful woman. I also hold very different viewpoints about life and sometimes this causes some friction between us. However we are still close and every day we share in our common goals and wishes for the earth.

My best friends
The first few friends you make tend to influence you a lot. I discovered that I was easily swayed by their opinions and ideas. I even plastered my walls with Jonathan Taylor Thomas pictures because my best friend introduced me to the teen boy thing. I also enjoyed similar music to my friends and I cared deeply about their opinions. Today some of these things have changed as I’ve matured and evolved, but some of the important factors remain: when the going gets tough, my friends and I are there for each other.

My Tae Kwon Do Instructor
My Tae Kwon Do instructor reminded me of myself so much that I emulated her every move and it showed. Some of our Tae Kwon Do friends watched a video tape of my performance during a Tae Kwon Do national competition and it took them half of the performance to realize that it was me and not my instructor. Today my instructor and I are still in contact and although the nature of our relationship has changed, we still exchange ideas and she still inspires me to be the best that I can be, no matter what.

Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Who said I couldn’t have idols who were fictional? Buffy the Vampire Slayer along with the character Willow both really inspired me. I was doing Tae Kwon Do and I was pursuing computer programming and web site design in my spare time. These girls helped me to realize that it was normal for women to take on a male-dominated field and excel. I watched these shows over and over for many years. I still watch them from time to time, but now their memory is all that I need to remind myself that anything is possible.

Acid Burn from the movie Hackers
The movie Hackers was the first to romanticize the computer programming field for me. I had always had a passion for computers and writing, but before this movie I would never really have considered to pursue it with such fervor. The fact that the male character and the female character are in a constant battle of the minds and sexes also fueled my desire to find more women like me. I think that the stubbornness of the Acid Burn character taught me that sometimes it takes a bit of hard hardheadedness to get what you want. I am still interested in the gender issue to this day.
Angelina Jolie
As you can tell from my previous choice of idols, I always had a sweet spot for Angelina Jolie. When she came to film a movie in my home town in Quebec, Canada I was blessed to get a chance to meet her. I really admire her tenacity, her edge, her compassion and her devotion to other human beings. She has proven herself to be a great stewardess of the planet and I really think she cares for children everywhere and the people of this earth.

More recently…

Sarma MeIngailis
When living in New York City I visited Sarma’s Pure Food and Wine restaurant as often as I could. Although I never formally met Sarma I saw her every now and then at the cafe. I was awed by her beauty and inspired by the message she passed along in her book. I keep in touch with her happenings by reading her weblog and I am proud to have her as an role model.

Tina Su
Recently I discovered the weblog of Tina Su. After realizing that she graduated from the same University as I, I contacted her and found out we had a lot more in common than I first imaged. I really look up to Tina because she has taken charge of her life and she is a great example of being present. I enjoy learning from her experiences over at her site Think Simple Now, and I look forward to possibly meeting her one day.

One word of caution that I want to impart on you is to remember that our mentors, idols and guides are just as human as we are. As one wise master cautioned her disciples to impose their needs for perfection on her: “You harm yourself when giving me all your power.” [Paraphrased from One Minute Wisdom, Anthony deMello in The Mentor’s Spirit, Marsha Sinetar] I want to remind you that mentors, teachers and those who inspire us might be gurus in our eyes, but they are still human with warts and all. They have had their own trying experiences and they have come out the other end, one way or another. They make choices every day in their lives and there might be aspects of their personalities that we do not like or understand. But that does not mean they cannot teach us to grow and flourish. In fact it is often by seeing how people we admire act under tough conditions that we can see how we would ourselves solve problems in our lives.

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If you are an ambitious high achiever type of woman, then you have probably experienced first hand how hard it can be to try balancing out your personal relationships with your work. As billionaire women enthusiasts, we can learn a lot by taking a few steps back and noticing what other women and men have learned about the fragile balance of work and life. After all, we don’t need to balance our work and personal lives all by our lonesome, there are others out there to help us do this the right way.

Photo and caption by Ron Marshall

As Dave Navarro highlighted in his post about making the time for your family and your life, time is always ticking and there are moments that we can never truly recapture. Moments like your child’s first day at school, their theater performances, sports games and competitions, your spouse’s anniversary, your parents’ wedding anniversary and so on. From my observations, men tend to be more involved in their work and not have time to focus on some of these types of activities as much as women. However there are definitely times when a woman might decide that getting some work done and calling the babysitter to watch over her kids for the evening is a good choice. Indeed these situations are hard to judge on the spot, but if you come up with a plan for yourself with guidelines ahead of time, you won’t feel so guilty about your decisions.

Work Life Balance Exercise

Here is a quick activity that you can do that will relieve all of your work/life balance stress, if you put it in practice.

1. Write down what activities and events take precedence over your daily home life routine. For example if there is a business meeting with clients that comes up and you are asked to be present, decide whether or not this is more important than going home and spending time with your family. You might decide that these meetings are only important if you are going after a promotion more aggressively, or if you feel that the clients need more attention to make a deal. On the other hand you might decide that company events such as dinners and galas take precedence only if you do not have any engagements with your children or spouse. For example you would choose to go to a school play over a company dinner, or vise versa. There are no wrong choices here, as long as you make them ahead of time and stick to them. Of course after working with these decisions for awhile, you should review your decisions and see if you need to make any adjustments based on your new experiences.
2. Write down what home life activities and events take precedence over work. These might be things like taking your children to the dentist, doctor, or hospital. Or things like your children’s school activities, parent-teacher night, your spouse’s night to make dinner, etc. These will vary wildly based on who you are, what type of a family you have and what your priorities are.
3. If you choose to do so, you can let you boss know about this new framework that you have put in place for yourself. It will help you stick to your commitments and if you feel guilty about skipping out on a business breakfast to bring your kids to school, your boss and coworkers will understand and even encourage you to stick to your commitment.
4. Every few months, take the time to review the priorities that you’ve set in place and see how they are working for you. If they aren’t, then make the adjustments necessary. I recommend that you write everything down on paper or in a document on your computer. It is much easier to refer to something that is written down than to try to remember why you decided to place priority on working overtime instead of on cleaning the house, a few months down the line.

I am personally putting this system into practice in my daily life and already I am seeing some good results. I do not yet have any children of my own, but I am prioritizing time spent with my parents, my grandparents and my partner in order to feel good about both my work and my life. I really think that once you are clear about your expectations for yourself, you will feel great making those quick work/life balance decisions and sticking to them. Not to mention being able to relax knowing that you are not missing any of the important moments in your family member’s lives, because we all know that time flies and if you don’t make an effort to be there for your family, you might regret it when they are all grown up.

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